Today I'm Grateful for This Mess

Woke up this morning in a pretty bad place. Remembering things that were always best left fuzzy - if remembered at all. I woke up with a visceral body memory of a certain moment, and that was a horrid moment for a young child to endure. Being me, and raised as I was, I didn't make a huge fuss over this emotional state, but blundered through my morning more than a bit shaky. Nick & Bronnie were (as always) great about it, but they know that the best way to fuss over me in these moments is to give me my space and let me approach them.
Then I started doing yoga.Everything fucking hurt like hell. I was reminded in literally every fiber of my being that I am not a young child and that I am most certainly NOT in that horrid place any longer. I was reminded of who I have become and where I am now. The routine reminded me that even if everything feels chaotic, I can create a place that has a constant. I sank into that. I sank my being into the hurt of my muscles, and for the billionth time let that calm my head.

Today, I am extremely grateful for this overweight, tired, worn-out and (hopefully) recharging body.

Back . . .again.

Quite a lot has happened since I last posted. Moved into and out of a life with a life-partner. Lost 40 lbs. because I couldn't stop vomiting. Have since regained a small measure of health stability and am continuing to lose weight without throwing up - which is generally considered a plus. I've been discovering some stuff about losing weight.

1) I have NO IDEA what I look like. Looking into the mirror helps if you have eyes that work. I'm not recognizing myself when I do look in the mirror and I especially don't when I touch my own body. (yeah, I'm hearing the DiVinyls too) This sensation is. . .disconcerting.

2) Emotions REALLY are stored in fat. When you lose the fat, they come up. Like mushrooms. I HATE MUSHROOMS. I especially hate emotional mushrooms that won't die. I've been having little roller-coasters all the hell over the place at the most inconvenient times humanly possible. I'm informed that I'm doing great at stealth breakdowns. Woot. Go me.

3) My body is disgusting, and it is letting me know it. Whatever I've been doing for the past years has been absolutely gross, and it is coming OUT. I will spare you all the gory details, because deep down I really am a loving person. You're welcome.

4) THIS SHIT FUCKING HURTS! OMG, I didn't know that muscle even BELONGED there. WTH?

Those are the overwhelming thoughts today. This is cross-posting on both blogs, because it kinda fits both.