Thursday, December 31, 2015

We are creating our "Auld Lang Syne"

This has been one hell of a year. We moved a few hundred miles south to Gainesville, FL. Awesome town. My body is changing in leaps and bounds so fast that I can't keep up with it. So is my mood - which is disconcerting to say the least. I'm learning life after the 8-6 grind. Life without that grind is AMAZING. Not a day goes by that one of us doesn't remind the others that we have an awesome fucking life.
We have found stability within ourselves and our little family structure. We've come through some seriously inane bullshit and are now past that and doing. . .really well. Depression and Anxiety are still major players in our lives, but they no longer have the leading roles sewn up between them. We've negotiated more of an ensemble performance than was previously possible.
We're just starting to branch out down here. B has a job - after 15 years. She's going to be teaching. N & I are going to keep the home fires burning (which is much better than the home fries burning!). Okay, he's going to burn, I'm going to spin or knit and look cute as hell while I do so! When you're good at something. . .
Life is good. This year has been up & down - as all years with a major move are - but we are in a good place. Next year will bring its own challenges and rewards, and I'm looking forward to that. However this year is one of the first in a very long time that I won't be so glad to see go that I shut the door on its coattails. This year I intend to thank graciously for its time as I hand it its hat before it strolls out the door. Someday, long from now, I expect that N & B will be sitting under my tree, cracking open a lambic and remembering this year as one of the better ones. Not the best; there is room for improvement after all. One of the better ones.

So in your days of "Auld Lang Syne", may 2015 be remembered as good, and here's a wish that everyone's 2016 is even better. Hug your people, tell them you love them, and stop letting fear and worry eat what time you have together.

Friday, November 6, 2015

BATHING SUIT ASSUMPTIONS FROM HELL

NOT ALL WOMEN WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT WANT FRILLY SKIRTS ON THEIR FUCKING BATINGSUITS

Mic. DROPPED.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Please pardon me for a moment

I just went shopping for a new sports bra.
I have to get a medium.
I haven't worn a medium in 14 years.
If you'll excuse me now, I'm going to go quietly gibber in the corner and pretend that I'm not freaking out.
Have a nice day.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Today I'm Grateful for This Mess

Woke up this morning in a pretty bad place. Remembering things that were always best left fuzzy - if remembered at all. I woke up with a visceral body memory of a certain moment, and that was a horrid moment for a young child to endure. Being me, and raised as I was, I didn't make a huge fuss over this emotional state, but blundered through my morning more than a bit shaky. Nick & Bronnie were (as always) great about it, but they know that the best way to fuss over me in these moments is to give me my space and let me approach them.
Then I started doing yoga.Everything fucking hurt like hell. I was reminded in literally every fiber of my being that I am not a young child and that I am most certainly NOT in that horrid place any longer. I was reminded of who I have become and where I am now. The routine reminded me that even if everything feels chaotic, I can create a place that has a constant. I sank into that. I sank my being into the hurt of my muscles, and for the billionth time let that calm my head.

Today, I am extremely grateful for this overweight, tired, worn-out and (hopefully) recharging body.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Back . . .again.


Quite a lot has happened since I last posted. Moved into and out of a life with a life-partner. Lost 40 lbs. because I couldn't stop vomiting. Have since regained a small measure of health stability and am continuing to lose weight without throwing up - which is generally considered a plus. I've been discovering some stuff about losing weight.

1) I have NO IDEA what I look like. Looking into the mirror helps if you have eyes that work. I'm not recognizing myself when I do look in the mirror and I especially don't when I touch my own body. (yeah, I'm hearing the DiVinyls too) This sensation is. . .disconcerting.

2) Emotions REALLY are stored in fat. When you lose the fat, they come up. Like mushrooms. I HATE MUSHROOMS. I especially hate emotional mushrooms that won't die. I've been having little roller-coasters all the hell over the place at the most inconvenient times humanly possible. I'm informed that I'm doing great at stealth breakdowns. Woot. Go me.

3) My body is disgusting, and it is letting me know it. Whatever I've been doing for the past years has been absolutely gross, and it is coming OUT. I will spare you all the gory details, because deep down I really am a loving person. You're welcome.

4) THIS SHIT FUCKING HURTS! OMG, I didn't know that muscle even BELONGED there. WTH?

Those are the overwhelming thoughts today. This is cross-posting on both blogs, because it kinda fits both.