So, I've lost 40 pounds this year. I don't know what size I was when I started, but I was 248. I'm now 202 (okay slightly more than 40, but less than 50). People all around me are telling me I look great. My doctors are practically doing back-flips for joy. Me? I don't see a damned difference. When I look in the mirror, I'm no different in appearance than when I was 248. I can perceive that my clothes are different. A pair of sweats that my life-partner gave me that used to barely fit now fall off. Some other articles of clothing that used to fit just fine slide right off my hips to the floor now.
I still don't see a difference. 46 pounds, and I still see me as I always seen me. Some part of me recognizes that this might be a problem. However, I've been living with this for a very long time. There has never been a moment in my life when I've felt my actual size. Most of my life, I've felt like a 300lb woman. I've never actually BEEN 300lbs, and that doesn't matter. To my perception, I look like I'm 300lbs.
So, there it is. Mental twitchy #1. I don't ever really see ME in the mirror. I see some weird, twisted version of me that isn't really there. Being told that what I'm seeing isn't there hasn't helped. I just have to constantly disbelieve what I'm "seeing". Most days, I settle for clean & put together, and I leave it there. There is a good place to leave it, after all. Dress-up days are much MUCH harder. Those days I have to scrutinize my reflection, and there is a LOT that I perceive needs that scrutiny. At the end of any given dressing, I still have to settle for technical aptitude over any feelings of well-being that might come, because they simply don't.
Sometimes, people lose weight & it changes everything about they way that person sees him/her self. What happens when it doesn't? What happens when everything changes BUT the vision?
For me, its just another day to walk away from the mirror,trying to convince myself that I actually don't look like a blimp (actually, most days I feel like I look like Violet Beauregard pre-juicing). I've lately wondered if there will ever come a time or a weight at which I won't see that reflection. I just don't know. Not going to bank on it either.
I still don't see a difference. 46 pounds, and I still see me as I always seen me. Some part of me recognizes that this might be a problem. However, I've been living with this for a very long time. There has never been a moment in my life when I've felt my actual size. Most of my life, I've felt like a 300lb woman. I've never actually BEEN 300lbs, and that doesn't matter. To my perception, I look like I'm 300lbs.
So, there it is. Mental twitchy #1. I don't ever really see ME in the mirror. I see some weird, twisted version of me that isn't really there. Being told that what I'm seeing isn't there hasn't helped. I just have to constantly disbelieve what I'm "seeing". Most days, I settle for clean & put together, and I leave it there. There is a good place to leave it, after all. Dress-up days are much MUCH harder. Those days I have to scrutinize my reflection, and there is a LOT that I perceive needs that scrutiny. At the end of any given dressing, I still have to settle for technical aptitude over any feelings of well-being that might come, because they simply don't.
Sometimes, people lose weight & it changes everything about they way that person sees him/her self. What happens when it doesn't? What happens when everything changes BUT the vision?
For me, its just another day to walk away from the mirror,trying to convince myself that I actually don't look like a blimp (actually, most days I feel like I look like Violet Beauregard pre-juicing). I've lately wondered if there will ever come a time or a weight at which I won't see that reflection. I just don't know. Not going to bank on it either.
