Kate's Corner - Tuesday 05/01

Yesterday was not a good day. I didn't fall down on the diet, or the exercise goals I'd made for myself for this week, but holy crap did I have a BAD DAY.

The Crunchy Bits:
Date 05/01
Blood Pressure 133/80 pulse 78

Blood Sugars
5:50 AM:118
10:00 AM: 151
12:00 PM: 144
3:30 PM: 177
7:30 PM: 67
9:30 AM: 111

Breakfast Diabetic Formula Crimson Sunrise smoothie

Snack Swiss chard salad w/ grated beet & ginger dressing & 3 tbsp walnuts

Lunch 1.5 c. Dal, 1/4 c. Hummus, 1/2 cucumber

Snack 1/4 c. hummus w/ 3 celery stalks

Dinner Split peas w/ bitter melon coconut milk curry, 1 square (1/2 inch by 1 inch) of 72% dark chocolate (yeah, the chocolate was a bit too much for what my goals are)

Exercise AM Yoga

The Froo-Froo Bits:

Yesterday was a HARD day. I'm an emotional eater, meaning that I bury my negative emotions with food. Well, I haven't done that for two days, and like the undead, my negative emotions are rising up from their food-filled grave.

So, what's the big deal? Well, I'm dealing with a lot of screaming at myself in my head, and a TON of self-loathing. Seriously, I'm looking at myself and going "What the f^@& were you THINKING letting yourself get to this place?!?!?" I feel disgusting, I look disgusting, and I'm not enjoying it one bit. I'm having a hard time being touched. I'm also discovering that when I don't bury my emotions with bad-for-me foods, my instincts are to pull away from everyone. That's not so good for keeping up my level of intimacy with my life partners. Its also just not good for where my head is right now. My logical brain knows that pulling away isn't helpful to anyone, including me. So on top of the self-loathing,and the self-recriminations, I have a steady stream of my logical brain telling myself to not run screaming from the building, to stand and take the emotional hit on the chin and to do it in front of an audience. No, it doesn't really matter in my head that the "audience" is made up of people who love me; they are still there, and still able to see it. That's scary for me.

I know that self-recriminations aren't helpful. I know that self-loathing is toxic. The problem is that its already there, and I've been burying it for years. I know also that disconnecting is dangerous, and I'm fighting that tooth & nail, while trying to deal with the other crap as well.

Its hard to learn new tricks, even when you aren't that old.

I know I can do this. I have loving support all over the place, and in a way I've never had before. I have all the tools I need for the physical portions of this change, and I just need to find a few tools for my brain.