Hey, its been a whle!

I'm back! I'd like to say I've been busy working out and doing all the right things. Well, I have but not outwardly.

I've tried to lose weight before - and failed miserably. I've lost weight repeatedly, only to put it back on eventually with interest. Seriously, one doesn't get to my weight without having at least tried to lose some. Its not like I sit there eating bon-bons (though there was the occasional cookie over the years), and watching soap operas. So, what happened?

What happened, I'm discovering was that I didn't fix the problems. I dieted, I exercised and eventually weight came off. Then the emotional problems that I'd been covering up would surface, and BAM I'd hit the fridge.

No, I have not recently joined OA. I'm sure there are some groups with that organization that are just fine, but the one time I looked into it, those women were food NAZIS - seriously. No thanks.

What I have done is started listening to myself. I've started paying attention to why I was screaming at myself.

First, I went to acupuncture. Honestly, I didn't hold out much hope for it, but figured why the heck not? The interesting thing that I found was that lying there having to hold still and be quiet, I had to hear the chatter in my head. THAT was a new one. I've spent a long time - most of my life in fact - studiously NOT listening to the chatter in my head.

I won't bore you with the details, but a lot of what I wasn't listening to were old hurts that weren't ever resolved. Some of it was so old that the people involved aren't able to be accessed w/o a seance. Some of it was pretty new. So, lying there stuck with about 10 pins in my flesh and not really able to move, I had a discussion with myself. It went kinda like this:

Conscious Self; "So, what are you screaming at me about? Please use little words."
Subconscious: "I. HURT."
Conscious Self: "Well, what's hurting?"
Subconscious Self: -insert laundry list of way too personal issues to hit the tubes HERE -
Conscious Self:"WOW. Whoa, dude, that sucks. What can I do about this?"
Subconscious Self: ::birds twittering, crickets chirping:: "I don't know. That's why I've been screaming."
Conscious Self: "Well, I can try to help, but you have to stop screaming. I'm going to have to think about this, and I can't do that when you're screaming at me."
Subconscious Self: (reluctantly)"Okay, I guess. Hurry, though."

Then my Acupuncture Dude came in (he likes that I call him that btw), and I had to stop having this particular conversation with myself. I did talk to him a bit though, and he said this was great progress.

So, I went home, and thought about it. What I came to - eventuality - was that I was just calling the past the past and ignoring it. I hadn't resolved anything, I just shrugged, gave it a mental "oh well" and buried it. The problem was, I buried it in me. It stayed there too, and it festered. That's icky. Just plain icky.

So, I'm digging up some old yucky stuff, discussing it with myself, and getting rid of it.

What this looks like on the outside is simple. I'm going to acupuncture, I've begun taking an actual yoga class, and I'm paying more attention to what I feel like when I eat something. As far as the food goes, it stays if it feels okay to eat and doesn't mess up my blood sugar. If it feels icky in my stomach or raises my blood sugar, its outta here! So far what's made the cut - coffee, mammal meat, milk, more than 1oz of cheese/day. I'm also regularly getting aerobic exercise in the form of my handy dandy free exercise bike (FYI, I hate exercise bikes, but they do the job, and are easily obtainable for little or no cost on places like Free-cycle and Craig's list. In my case, someone I work with was getting rid of one for free, and generously drove it to my house. Its a nice one too!).

So, that's it. I'm changing my eating habits according to what works for me, making healthy choices, and I'm exercising. I'm also finally shoveling out my emotional closet. DUDES - you do NOT want the details. This feels right though, and the numbers are proving it. My last nephrologist visit gave me the good news that my potassium levels are back to normal. Which means that I can now eat veggies again, and can even have the VERY occasional orange.

Which, incidentally, I'm going to go do right now. :D